Remember When Movies and Comics Focused on Quality Not Demographics?

Recently there was an article published on comicbookresources.com and here is the title:

“Wonder Woman” Will Bring Women To Superhero Movies, Says Time Warner CEO

And when the most recent Fantastic Four movie catastrophe came out there was an article published on comicbook.com entitled:

Fantastic Four: Why Casting A Black Actor As The Human Torch Might Make A Movie Better

And then there are the lures set out for teens, like this one from birthmoviesdeath.com:

DC Decides Superheroes Are For Girls Too

The byline on this one spells things out bluntly:

The comic company launches a multimedia attempt to capture the teen girl market

And the list goes on and on about how movies and comics, by targeting a certain demographic or choosing the right ethnic group, will now rake in millions where prior it was doomed to failure.  This may work for cigarettes and clothing, but it’s not a “one-size-fits-all” rule.

I’ll spell it out for all the Harvard Business Masters and Doctorate recipients who can’t get it on their own.

1.)  Women currently make up 51% of the comic reading population.  
2.)  As a matter of fact, data shows that men make up the majority of comic book readers until they reach their 50’s, then women make up the majority of the readers.  
3.)  If you look at ethnicity Hispanics take the prize with the most readers, followed by Asian Americans, and then African Americans.  

(All information gleaned from www.graphicpolicy.com which covers the numbers behind comic books.)

So what does it all mean?  Whatever you want it to.  I could us it to prove that as women get older they are more likely to read comic books, I could try to prove that male and female readership relies heavily on the “generation” they were born in, or I could use common sense and toss all of this information out the window.

What about the demographics are they clearly missing?  (These answers are courtesy of me and a whole lot of common sense.)

Before we get to that, however, let’s look at the generations previously referenced as I will be using them in the upcoming paragraphs:

          1927 - 1945:          Silent Generation or Traditionalists           
                                        (currently 70 - 88 years old)
          1946 - 1964:          Baby Boomers                                               
                                        (currently 51 - 69 years old)
          1965 - 1983:          Generation X or the Busters                        
                                        (currently 32 - 50 years old)
          1984 - 2002:          Generation Y or the Millenials                    
                                        (currently 13 - 31 years old)
          2003 - ?:                Generation Z or the Digital Generation     
                                        (currently up to 12 years old)

It appears to me that the ones with the most expendable income for comic books, comic movies, comic collections, etc. are Baby Boomers or Gen X’ers.  They are also the ones that make up a significant part of the parenting group.  Keep this in mind as we move on to the “Ages” of comic books:

          1500s - 1828:          The Pioneer Age of Comics
          1883 - 1938:            The Platinum Age
          1646 - 1900:            Also known as the “Victorian Age”
          1938 - 1945:            Golden Age
          1946 - 1956:            Atom Age
          1956 - 1970:            Silver Age
          1970 - 1984:            Bronze Age
          1980 - 1987:            Also known as the “Iron Age"
          1984 - 1992:            Copper Age
          1992 - Present:       Modern Age

You will see that the Baby Boomers and Gen Xers are getting their first comics in the Golden Age of Comics.  They are now the ones talking to their kids about comics, spending their time watching superhero movies together with their kids and some of them even own comic book stores.  In other words, the groups of people who were introduced to comics in their Golden Age are now the ones that are guiding the opinions of their children in regard to comics, controlling the drawing, editing, distribution and buying and selling of comic books.

Wow!  Two HUGE generations of people coincidentally come to being in the Golden Age of Comics and live through the subsequent ages to today.

I can hear your thoughts, “Amazing!  The comic industry has a huge chance here!  Don’t they?  I mean, it seems like they might...wait....I don’t know what you want me to say...”  It’s OK, let me help by telling you that if you had people who LOVED comics at the head of the companies you would be right.  But you don’t.  You have “business people” who only see dollar signs.

Getting away from the demographic nonsense and back to increased revenue lies in the form of a question.

“What was it that attracted you to comics and made you want to read and collect them?”


If the buyers/collectors were honest, they would admit the following truths:

     -The genders had NOTHING to do with your purchase.  My guess is that in your youth you could tell me how many male and female characters there were, but it had NOTHING to do with your concern for diversity.  It’s because there were barely more than 50 superheroes in existence.

     -The ethnicity had NOTHING to do with your purchase.  I would bet a substantial sum of money that when “Black Lightning” was introduced you didn’t think, “Finally!  An African-American character!”  You said, “Wow, he is so cool!” And, do me a favor, save all of your racist arguments for some other blog.  I don’t entertain such things here.

If the publishers were honest, they would admit the following truths:

     -Ethnicity and gender were only considered to make sure no one was offended.  For instance, Stan Lee was concerned about the color of the Hulk because he didn’t want anyone to feel offended.  The Hulk’s color had more to do with ink issues and being offensive than sales dollars.

     -Their concern was making sure they kept the reader interested, not represented.  At the end of many books from the Silver Age you can read their previews of upcoming editions bragging about what was coming next and any new character or storyline introductions.  There was a pride in writing comics and a desperation to please the reader that showed through.


So, why is it that companies are focusing more on demographics, even if it means letting quality slide?   It’s because they have made the choice to reduce creativity and development in order to make sure that everyone is happy and represented, including all ages, ethnicities, religions, genders, species, hairstyles, etc.  In the short run this may seem like a good idea, but in the long run it’s a loser every time.  The reason is simple, if you try to please everyone then you’re not going to make anything that is honestly yours.

Now, let’s get back to the question that led us here:

Remember When Movies and Comics Focused on Quality Not Demographics?

Yes, I do.

I remember WANTING to see what happens next, to the point of getting anxiety as the release date moved closer.  Now, Marvel is starting to ask a sad question at the end of its books:  “You Want To Know What Happens Next?”.  It’s sad not only because it’s a dumb question, but also because I no longer know if I want to.

I’m not the sharpest axe in the shed, but I do know that there are certain things that need to be considered now that didn’t matter as much back then.  I  know that if large enough groups of readers start to drop their subscriptions it could mean trouble.  I also know that in this litigious society there are dangers that weren’t as...well....dangerous as they were back then.

I also know that there are large groups of us who grow tired of Civil War II (Oh, you didn’t know this was coming?  Well it is....), Contest of Champions II, Secret Wars II, Batman vs. Superman for the 300th time, seeing a new Batsuit every comic, and on and on.  What happened to originality?  It met diversity.

Do an exercise with me for just a minute.  Humor me.

Sit back and think for a minute of when you were much younger.  Remember how excited you got to buy the next comic in your favorite series.  You went to the closest store, spent your last cent, and tore into that comic like it was a candy bar.  You read through with reckless abandon, not caring about creases and tears, and gasped in awe as you read the ending.  Your next stop was your best friend’s house to talk about what happened and talk about how you would have done it.  Then the bad news...you had to wait another week to see what happened next.  Life was so unfair!!!

Do you remember that?  If you’re looking to increase sales don’t worry about markets or demographics, worry about bringing back that feeling.  The first step:  divide up the grad students you have working for you (who have never read or had interest in a comic book) into groups of 10.  Replace each group with 1 person whose love for comics surpassed everything else when they were younger.  Step two:  let the artists and writers keep their characters and give them more artistic license.  Give those two steps 6 months, then we’ll move on to step 3.

I want to end with a saying that is not mine, it’s by someone named “Anonymous”.  He/She has written alot of pieces that I like:

Work for a CAUSE, not APPLAUSE.  Live life to EXPRESS, not to IMPRESS.  Don’t strive to make your presence NOTICED, just make your absence FELT.

Are you listening publishers?


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Sell it all! Two weeks ago, if possible.

It hurts me to say this, but:

If you own a comic book store or you are looking to get any type of return on your comic book “investments”,  sell now.

The industry as we know it will be unrecognizable 5 years from now and not in a good way.

The readers of this blog aren’t dumb, you know that sales of any consumer goods have their peaks and valleys.

Look at Apple.  20 years ago you couldn’t give their stock away.  The computers were priced very high and they were known as computers graphic designers used, not corporations.  If you held on to your Apple stock, however, you are probably doing well on the investment.

Comic books are also hitting their peak right now.  The movies are coming out, the cartoons are all over the place, DC has all but cornered the market on animated motion pictures, and product licensing is running rampant.

But don’t let it fool you, it’s already hit it’s peak....you’re now looking at the downside of the comic industry as we know it.

Why?  It’s simple, really.  The bean counters are running the show at the Big 2 and all they are interested in is the almighty dollar.  The problem is no one appears to understand that it’s an industry that survives on originality and collectibility.  Neither of which the Big 2 have sustained.  Let’s look at some examples:

-The Fantastic Four franchise, the literal first family of comic books has been made a joke of in both comic books and the movies.  Has anyone ever looked forward to a Fantastic Four movie once the first one proved to be just this side of mediocre?  Does anyone even care if there is ever another Fantastic Four movie?  How many more times will Marvel license out to a company that could care less what they do to the brand in production?

-The #1 of virtually any series anymore is rarely a #1.  With DC and Marvel “resetting” their respective universes they are releasing a whole new series of #1 comics....again.  How many more #1 X-People and Justice League of Whatever can there be?  How many different uniforms, haircuts and power-sets can Superman have?  How many times are we going to clone Peter Parker and reinvent the story behind Spider-Man?  How many more of Batman’s family members can the Joker kill?  It’s getting to be a joke (pun intended).

-It’s a matter of supply and demand.  Many collectors will know exactly what Silver and Bronze Age comics to buy.  The first appearance of Wolverine, Hulk, Thor...any of the classic characters really, is valuable for one reason:  there just aren’t that many out there and even fewer that are in great condition!  If there were still 5 million copies of the #1 Spider-Man, and they were all in Near Mint condition, it just wouldn’t have the same value.  Today, the market is flooded with #1s and places like eBay make them easy to come by if you miss them in a store.  Why do you think variants were introduced?  Fewer of the variants makes them more valuable.  But, trust me, the well is running dry.  The desire to sell as many as possible makes current and future value remarkably bad.

-The lack of creativity is maddening.  I know people who have stopped reading Marvel comics because of the blatant money grabbing involved with Secret Wars.  Seriously, how many different comic storylines can one series have?  I also know people who have stopped reading DC because of the lackluster ending to Convergence.  I know I’ve mentioned this in other blogs, but changing a character’s sex or race or religion does not count as creativity.  So, what do you have to look forward to as a Marvel fan?  Will Iron Man design his 1,916th armor?  Maybe one that has a Coke machine built-in for mid-fight refreshment?  If you’re a DC fan are you anticipating yet another Justice League, maybe Justice League Geriatric for the older heroes?  I will give credit where credit is due, Telos, Secret Six and New Suicide Squad by DC are fantastic, so kudos to DC for at least trying to make something different (yes, I know that Suicide Squad and Secret Six have been out many times before, but there are differences with the new ones and they are outstanding).  And, seriously, if I read another interview with “creators” who say they are doing something “new”, I ’m going to scream.

-Last is product licensing.  What product can you buy today that doesn’t have some sort of comic book hero twist?  Build-a-Bear has a superhero line of teddy bears.  You can get toothpaste, toothbrushes, shampoo, bubble bath, and any other type of hygiene products with some superhero or another.  Listen, I’m not complaining.  I love superheroes all over my house, but talk about diluting your brand!  My son even has Avengers Cereal in our pantry.  Do you know there are a number of sports stars that limit the number of autographs they give out or jerseys sold?  It keeps them valuable.  It keeps people looking for them and paying good money for them.  

Please don’t get me wrong, I have been a collector for 45 years and still look for Superman stuff to put around the house, but if you are looking to make money on your comic book stuff....sell it...like right now.

But I digress...

So, who will win in the end?  Company’s like Image.  Company’s that come out with new creations often and allow their creators to keep the rights to their creations.  It wouldn’t surprise me to see Image become the top comic company in the next 5 - 10 years.  Although The Walking Dead has been commercialized, it hasn’t been overdone.

Would I like to see an Autumnlands:  Tooth and Claw movie?  Absolutely!  Do I want the characters on a band-aid, not so much.

Place your bets on the future of the “heir apparent” Image Comics.  It’s where my money is.

Disclaimer:  I do not work for, nor do I own any part of Image Comics.  This is my opinion only and does not, but should, represent the opinion of a majority of the planet.

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Wearing a Superhero Costume Can Ruin Your Life

The whole concept of banning certain costumes at school has been gaining momentum for many years.  I have seen it go from just banning certain specific costumes to banning costumes completely. I even know one school that refuses to acknowledge Halloween (to the point of not having a single Halloween decoration).  I admit, I have a tough time understanding some of the rationale.

Fair Disclosure:  I have two grown kids who went through grade school at the beginning of these “bans”, so please dismiss the “you don’t have kids so you wouldn’t understand” thoughts you may be having.

Supporters of the ban on certain costumes say that costumes must not be interpreted by other students as offensive, promoting a religion, scary to a small child, sexualized, discriminating, or associated with gangs.  Costumes with a weapon are also not allowed.  In fact, according to an article in Mental Floss magazine, (http://mentalfloss.com/article/69774/8-halloween-costumes-have-been-banned-schools) there are 8 costumes/costume types that are banned in many schools this Halloween.

1.)  Jesus Christ
2.)  Superheroes
3.)  Geishas, Squaws and Cowboys
4.)  Sombreros
5.)  Trench Coats
6.)  Cross-Dressing
7.)  Sexy Nurse
8.)  Anything with a weapon

As this is a mostly comic book blog let’s just focus on #2, Superheroes.

According to the article an unidentified school sent out a letter, ahead of the holiday, to all parents.  It stated that superhero costumes that included, but were not limited to - Wolverine, Batman, Superman, the Power Rangers, and any of the Fantastic Four - were not allowed.  It went on to say that witches, ghosts, or any costume that would be too scary to a small child, were also not allowed.  The letters apparently used a comic style font for further effect.  Frankly, some of the reasons for these bans should be scary to a small child.

I couldn’t find that particular letter, but I did find this one online.  I could not authenticate it, however.

So why ban superheroes?

Some take it back to 1954 when Frederic Wertham published his book “Seduction of the Innocent” which said comic books were the cause of juvenile delinquency in America.

Some say it’s because the act of playing “superheroes” can lead to acts of violence, such as biting, punching, kicking, etc.

This poster, found online, was authenticated by the author of the article in which it was found.  Note the spelling and grammar errors in this poster authored by two school “Directors”.

Some say it’s because not all kids can afford superhero costumes and it’s not fair to those who can’t.

Some say it’s because certain heroes promote violence.

Although I do agree that children should not be committing acts of violence on one another, I think we need to reexamine how we handle the situation.  Here’s why:

Let’s say, for example, that I tell my son that he cannot dress as Superman for Halloween at his school’s party.  If he asks why I tell him that I don’t want him hitting or punching other kids when they play superhero (I have no clue what the real reason is).  He tells me that he wouldn’t do that but I ask him not to just the same.  Later that night he asks if he’s allowed to wear his Superman costume trick-or-treating.  I tell him it’s OK.  He asks why I’m no longer afraid he will hit other kids while playing superhero.  He wonders why I let him read the comic books, why I let him get the costume, and why we watch the cartoon together.  He asks me why he can play make-believe at home but not in school.  He asks if I ever dressed up as a kid.

Do I tell him the truth?

Do I tell him that I dressed up as Superman at his age and no one at school was emotionally or physically scarred?  Do I show him pictures of me dressed as Quasimodo at his age, with a horribly disfigured mask, and tell him I only ever heard “Cool!” or “Can I try it on?” from classmates?  Should I share my childhood stories where we spent countless hours playing “Green Lantern” or “Spider-Man” at recess with no long lasting effects?

Of course I feel that certain behaviors shouldn’t be allowed in schools.  The problem, however, is a behavioral problem (kicking, bullying, etc.) not a costume problem.  I hope it won’t be much longer before we realize that behavior and grades aren’t improving because kids are no longer allowed to dress up as Reed Richards.  There is a whole generation of people who dressed as superheroes and are full functioning contributors to society.  There are also gatherings of adults who dress as superheroes who are also fully functioning contributors to society...we call them ComicCons.

For those of you who were pinched by a classmate dressed as Flash or Captain America and, due to specifically to that, grew up to be a bitter, angry and hateful adult....please disregard this blog.

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Top 10 Most Collected Marvel Comics Series and Specific Issues to Collect!

As an appraiser I am often asked what the most collected comics are and what issues to watch for.  I can tell you that such a list has several restrictions:

     -This list is as of today.  Tomorrow some of these could change.  It’s not likely, but they could.
     -The value of a comic is strictly what a buyer will pay, these issues are based on market value.
     -I have restricted this list solely to Marvel comics, DC and others are for another day.
     -If a comic doesn’t make this list it doesn’t mean it’s not collectable, it’s just not on the list.
     -These issues are only as valuable as their condition.  This is based on NM condition.

10.)  Nick Fury:  Starting as a soldier Nick is first seen in Sgt. Fury and the Howling Commandos. In Strange Tales #135 Nick joins S.H.I.E.L.D.

Titles to look for and Issue numbers:

Sgt. Fury and the Howling Commandoes    #1 - 20 and the #1 Annual.  Special focus on #1, 2 and 13.
Strange Tales                                                #135
Tales of Suspense                                         #78
Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.                #1 - 7 and #15

9.)  Daredevil:  Easily one of the most valuable comics in the early runs, this comic is known for holding it’s value.

Titles to look for and Issue numbers:

Daredevil                                                    #1 - 20, 27, 38, 43, 131, 158, 168, 169, 181
Amazing Spider-Man                                  #16
The Avengers                                              #60
The Defenders                                            #24 and 25
Fantastic Four                                           #39 and 40
Journey into Mystery                                 #116

8.)  Silver Surfer:  Listed by some as one of the most powerful characters in all of comics, the Silver Surfer first made his appearance in Fantastic Four and is famous for being a Herald of Galactus.

Titles to look for and Issue numbers:

Fantastic Four                                           #48, 49, 50, 55 - 60, 72
Silver Surfer                                               #1 - 10 and 14
Tales to Astonish                                        #92 and 93

7.)  Fantastic Four:  The First Family of comics is always a collectible in the earlier comics.  Their popularity decreased as the issue numbers grew higher.  The terrible movies did not help their popularity any and also the lack of crossovers with the characters.  The first issues, however?  Collect ‘em, bag ‘em and board ‘em.

Titles to look for and Issue numbers:

Fantastic Four                                             #1 - 30, 48 - 50, 55 - 60, 72, 100, 112

Amazing Spider-Man                                   #1, 5 and 8

The Avengers                                               #1

6.)  The Mighty Thor/Journey into Mystery:  Thor’s first appearance was in Journey into Mystery and only later did he get his own title in The Mighty Thor.  Early Journey into Mystery are hard to get in great condition but scoop them up if you find them.  They are garnering high prices right now.

Titles to look for and Issue numbers:

Journey into Mystery                                   #83 - 100, 109, 112

Thor                                                             #126

The Avengers (12c)                                      #1 - 20, 57

5.)  The Incredible Hulk:  The early issues of the Hulk are extremely hard to find in good shape.  They were prone to what was called “chipping” which Marvel was famous for in the early issues.  In #1 you will see the Hulk with grey skin, but #2 showed him with green skin.  This had to do with printing issues.  The color grey, however, was intentional by Stan Lee as he wanted a color that would not show race bias.

Titles to look for and Issue numbers:

The Incredible Hulk                                         #1 - 6, 102, 180 - 182

The Avengers (12c)                                          #1 - 3, 5

Fantastic Four                                                #12, 25, 26, 112

Amazing Spider-Man                                      #14, 119, 120

Tales to Astonish                                             #59 - 101

4.)  Captain America:  It’s hard to picture a time where Captain America wasn’t a regular in comic books of all titles.  You name it and Cap has probably made an appearance in it.  Captain America can be traced all the way back to Golden Age comic books.  Look for a price of 10c and you have yourself a Golden Age Cap.

Titles to look for and Issue numbers:

Captain America (10c)                                      Any numbers

All-Select Comics (10c)                                     #1 - 10

All Winner Comics (10c)                                   #1 - 21

Captain America (12c)                                      #1 - 10, 55

The Avengers (12c)                                            #4

Marvel Mystery Comics (10c)                           #80 - 92

Sgt Fury and the Howling Commandos            #13

3.)  Iron Man:  Perhaps no character goes through more visual changes than Iron Man.  He is even known, while fighting the Transformers, to wear “Anti-Transformer” armor.  Tony Stark knows how to build them and how to make them functional.  What he doesn’t know how to do is make one armor for all occasions, they are more specialized.  If you do have the occasion, however, to get lower numbered editions Iron Man is quite valuable.

Titles to look for and Issue numbers:

Tales of Suspense                                                    #39 - 41, 48

Iron Man and Sub-Mariner                                    #1

Iron Man                                                                 #1 - 10, 55

The Avengers                                                          #1 - 20, 57, and 100

2.)  X-Men:  Forgive this if it’s politically incorrect, but the X-Men put mutants on the map.  They are also the team which may be the most ingrained in the modern comic lovers market.  This is due in large part to all of their different spin-offs and the popularity of their movies.  Needless to say, if you have any of the early editions of this comic in good shape you have a rare find.  Further, Days of Future Past is also one that is valuable along with having a great movie adaptation.

Titles to look for and Issue numbers:

The X-Men                                                              #1 - 20, 35, 94, 100, 141

The Uncanny X-Men                                              #142, 143, and 266

Giant Size X-Men                                                   #1 and 2

Incredible Hulk                                                      #180 - #182 (first appearances of Wolverine)

1.)  Amazing Spider-Man:  Is this really a surprise to anyone?  Spider-Man is Marvel’s answer to Superman and Batman, and a good one at that.  Spider-Man stayed remarkably consistent for many years and then, in the past 2 or 3 years, started going through some remarkable changes.  No matter what has happened to the web slinger his comics have remained valuable.  The number of spin-off series are rivaled only by those of the X-Men.

Titles to look for and Issue numbers:

Amazing Fantasy                                                     #15

Amazing Spider-Man                                               #1 - 129, 238, 282 - 328

Spectacular Spider-Man (magazine)                       #1 and 2 (published in 1968 only)

Spectacular Spider-Man (comic)                             #1, 2, 27, and 28

Remember, even though comics are one of the collectibles that are hot on the market right now they won’t be forever.  These comics will only be valuable as long as buyers are willing to pay the asking price.  I will reassure you, however, that if you get any of the editions listed and it is in good shape  you bag it, board it, and keep it in a moderate-temperature moisture-controlled space.  This will insure that they will always be the most valued in their respective collections...regardless of their value in the marketplace.

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Criticizing the Critic...Has it been done yet?

I remember the first-ever critics that were taken seriously.  I also remember the first questions about the first critics taken seriously...how does one become a critic?

How hard is it to criticize a film?

I have to ask.  Has there ever been a critic of critics?

I am asking for a reason.  My friend and I have gotten together every single Friday for the past 10 years and watched a movie.  That’s alot of movies.  It’s true that we can critique every one, but does that qualify us as critics?  One thing is for sure, movies we like were given the little green splotchy thing by Rotten Tomatoes but loved by the iTunes reviewers on almost every occasion.  That turned out to be the way we judged what we would watch.  If Rotten Tomatoes hated it, but the iTunes universe loved it, we’d watch it and usually liked it.  But enough about me.  Let’s talk about who critiques the critics.

Frankly, there has never been a better time to ask.  The launch of the catastrophic bomb that is “The Fantastic Four” has the critics climbing over each other to lambast the film.  More importantly, their input lowers, or raises, the percentage on “Rotten Tomatoes”.   Yes, this group of anonymous people actually help determine whether some people go to see a movie or not.

Let’s look at this a little closer.

As a movie-goer you typically rely on other people as to whether you should see a film or not, especially if you are on the fence about seeing it.  Those people, however, are people you usually know and whose opinion you respect.  Rotten Tomatoes, however, is a group of people you don’t know.  Tens of thousands of people rely on whether Rotten Tomatoes has given “two thumbs up” or not (yes, an homage to the old Siskel and Ebert days).  Not only that, but the movie industry is swayed by what is said by critics, including those on Rotten Tomatoes.

Think about it, a web site of people who have credentials most couldn’t name, determining whether a movie is seen, or not seen, by people because they have an opinion people read.  It’s amazing how this industry became so influential and how many people rely on that industry.

To put this in perspective, if a stranger on the street comes over to you and says, “The new pizza at the local pizza shop tastes terrible and has rat hair in it.” would you take them at their word?  Probably not, I certainly wouldn’t.  I have no idea who that person is.  They could be the competitor across the street!  But that is what we do with movies.  We take the word of someone who could be a complete dunce, or may have not even seen the movie, as to whether we should see a movie.  It boggles the mind.

But who criticizes the critics?  Who determines whether a critic is even worth listening to?  Is there some governing body that says that one critic should be listened to and another is just a worthless hack?  Further, if a person is worth having an opinion, is there a rating on their writing of the reviews?  In other words, can the typical movie-goers even understand what is being said in the review?  Before you think I’m saying that people are dumb, wait until you read some quotes below, you’ll understand what I mean.

Here’s an example of a critique on the newest Fantastic Four movie:

"The film is all foreplay without an orgasm. . . . Visual effects supervisor Kevin Mack must have still been slaphappy from his work on 'Fight Club.’” 

This was written by Brandon Judell of the Huffington Post.

Here’s his picture:

First, yikes.  This looks like a photo that gets shown on a “60 Minutes” murder mystery where he is the suspect.  As a disclaimer, I don’t believe this is the case, so please don’t write to me telling me this is slander or whatever.  I’m sure he’s a perfectly nice man.  If this is even his picture.  You never know nowadays.

Second, “all foreplay without an orgasm”?  Does one get an orgasm during foreplay?  Wouldn’t it better written as “all sex without an orgasm”?  Either way, I’m not even sure why one would use this in a movie review to begin with.

Third, in this same critique, Brandon is quoted as saying, "Based upon the venerated Marvel comic that debuted in 1961, whether this take is faithful or not I can't say, having spent my formative years reading Hermann Hesse and The Hardy Boys. “  Come on, a person who NEVER picked up a comic book is critiquing whether a movie based on the first family of superheroes is good or not?  Shouldn’t the person offering the critique know something about what they are critiquing?  That’s like me saying the new tool used by astrophysicists is a bad one.  I can barely spell astrophysicist let alone judge anything that has to do with them.

Last, but certainly not least, is the question; who uses the word “slaphappy” anymore?  Is this the way he sets himself apart from the other critics all saying the exact same thing but in different words?  I can’t take anyone serious who uses words like “slaphappy”, “zany”, or “fantabulous”.  Brandon is only guilty of one of these, but it’s more than enough.

Brandon, the not so wise one, gave the movie a little green splotchy thing signifying that the movie did not quite hit the mark.  The incredible thing?  People use this as a reason to go, or not to go, to see the movie.  In my opinion Brandon’s review is worthless based on his lack of comic reading alone.

So we don’t strictly dwell on Brandon, let’s take someone else.   Hmmmm, who should it be?  The winner is Jonathan Romney of the Observer (UK).

Here is a quote from Jonathan about the film, "But this unnecessary reboot is a solemn affair, visually murky and misjudged. After a laborious build-up about plucky young things building a teleportation machine, the revelation of the quartet’s transformations feels incongruously macabre, with the faintest overtones of David Cronenberg.”

“Incongruously macabre”?  “plucky young things”?  “visually murky and misjudged”?  “faintest overtones of David Cronenberg”?  Where does he come up with all of this lingo that he feels is impressive?  Again, is this to put himself above the other critics all struggling to be read by the public?

Let’s start with his picture which was left off the critique.  Wise move, Jonathan.  Now no one can recognize you on the street and throw rotten tomatoes (play on words is purely intentional...sorry)

I have a slight idea, but what does 'incongruously macabre’ mean exactly?  If someone said that what you just watched was ‘incongruously macabre’ would you know exactly what they meant?

How about ‘plucky young thing’?  Add the word “plucky” to the list of words that will keep me from taking anyone seriously.  Frankly, if he called my kids “plucky young things” I would punch him in the face.  It sounds like he has ill intentions and that there are not-so-nice undertones.  I can also tell you that never, in all my years of reading the Fantastic Four, felt that they were ever “plucky young things”.  I know he’s referring to the actors, but still...

Lastly, a film having the “faintest overtones of David Cronenberg” assumes that you know the films of David Cronenberg.  Can you rattle off a list?  If you can, put yourself in the top 10% of moviegoers.  The remaining 90% have no idea what movies they are and after watching hundreds and hundreds of movies I feel I should.  Maybe this is my bad.

Now, before you think I am giving Jonathan the little green splotchy thing, which he did to this movie, let me say that this sentence impressed me:

"For anyone who remembers the strip as drawn by Jack Kirby in its wildly inventive 60s prime, this is beyond depressing.”

At least Jonathan, unlike Brandon, can successfully tie the movie in to the comic book origins.  This gives him some credibility at the very least.

But all of these things make me wonder.  Are the critics writing for the general moviegoing public or are they writing to impress other critics by using words that others haven’t?  More importantly, are you doing yourself a disservice by relying on this group of misfits to guide your movie choices?  People like Brandon and Jonathan are telling you that the movie is trash and neither should be telling anyone anything.

I think I would like to continue to critique the critics, but would like to hear your feedback as to whether you liked it.  I’m as qualified as anyone and, actually, so are you.   In the meantime, judge a movie for yourself.  Check the movie time and buy tickets, but don’t look at any critic reviews.  I’m relatively sure you will be able to give feedback without the words “plucky” or “slaphappy”, and that would be a favor to everyone.