Image Comics Puts Out Another Quality Title - AXCEND #1 - A Review

As I said in my last blog there are so few new things coming out from the “Big Two” that it’s getting harder to justify reading, or collecting, any but first and special editions.  The good news is that new things are being released by them under a different name or by other publishers.  That brings me to Image Comics and their newest release, AXCEND.

As a quick background Image Comics currently stands as the 3rd largest publisher of comics.  The thing that makes Image Comics special is one of their founding principles (not sure if it still is in effect, but it was in the beginning) that artists were allowed to retain the rights to the characters they developed.  The reason this is so smart?  The artists have more skin in the game.  If you don’t retain the rights you are an artist for someone else (no offense meant to any artist reading this).  This means if the character explodes or is relegated to the back shelf the artist continues to draw what they are asked.  If they retain the rights to their work they are tied to the success.  The character is their “child” and what happens to it has a major impact on them.

But I digress.

Let’s talk about AXCEND #1 from Image Comics by Shane Davis, Michelle Delecki, and Morry Hollowell.

I was fortunate enough to find two covers.  One with what appears to be the focal point of the story, Eric, and the other with a character he “plays with” in the story (I’ll explain later) whose name is Ruin (he’s on the left).  There is a third character, which may be on a cover I didn’t see, called Rayne.  Then there is the character which appears to be the one who runs the virtual world in which they travel, Dog (again, I’ll explain later).  You got it right...Eric...Rayne....Ruin....and Dog.

So, the premise is one that is somewhat of a takeoff from ‘Tron’.  Eric, still hurting from the loss of his brother Erin (which isn’t explained in any detail in the comic, I assume we’ll know more as things play out), sits down to play the video game AXCEND (i’m not shouting this, the title is all caps).  The twist here is that when the TV screen comes on so Eric can play you see Dog and he tells Eric he is one of only three chosen to beta test the online world of AXCEND.  That’s when things get out of hand.

Eric is then sucked into the video game where he comes face to face with Dog, Rayne and Ruin.  He also finds himself sporting a new outfit (seen in the images above).  Without ruining the comic for you, let’s just say that Dog puts all three of them through the paces with Eric being the “newbie”.

The thing that I like about this storyline is the way Eric gets his powers in the game...they’re downloaded.  Then, as in most fighting games, he will get more abilities and “level up” as he wins the little games that Dog puts all three of them through.  Eric starts with the ability to make portals and he feels that his “beta has a core, but it’s small, it...I want to grow.  I think I wanna...upgrade”.  On some level it makes me wonder if a character I play with online is some kid in another part of the country.  The interesting thing is that he knows what needs to happen to grow.   As you will read in the comic, however, he gets hazed pretty badly by Rayne and Ruin.  To the reader’s delight they show no remorse and target him mercilessly.  This shows Eric as human...he doesn’t just get powers and 15 minutes later he’s saving the planet.  He makes mistakes and tries hard to learn from them.

What you should know is that in Eric’s real life he is a teenager in high school with problems of his own.  As a matter of fact, right before he goes home, and is sucked into AXCEND, he has a confrontation with the school bully.  Well, it was a little more than a confrontation, the bully knocked him on his ass.  To add insult to injury, the bully tells Eric how he knew his dead brother, Erin, since 5th grade and the difference between the two of them was that “Erin knew how to hit back”.  So, Eric doesn’t exactly have a dream life outside of AXCEND.

The premise of this comic leaves the storyline open to hundreds of different directions.  The reader will probably see Eric gain new powers/stronger powers as he “levels up”.  My guess is that what happens in the game will condition him for real life and vice versa.  I have a couple of guesses as to what’s going to happen next in his real, and virtual, life but I won’t say them for two reasons;  I don’t want to spoil it for you if I’m right and I hate admitting when I’m wrong.

The flip side of the coin is that it would have been nice to see more of Eric’s escape into other video games as a coping mechanism and build his character a little.  I found Dog immediately coming on the screen and telling Eric he was “chosen” was a little sudden.  It made me go back and read the previous pages again to see if I missed something.  The comic could have left out some of the beatings that Eric took and substituted more of his background.  As it’s Eric’s “origin” it should have built up a little more.  Frankly, if that’s the only issue (pun intended) then this comic may be a keeper.

Before finishing, let me add that a new title from Image is no real surprise.  This company has put out fantastic titles such as Invincible, Savage Dragon, and the big one The Walking Dead.  They are also releasing one that I look forward to, I Hate Fairyland.  I plan to review that once it’s released.  For more information on their titles go to www.imagecomics.com.  You won’t be sorry that you did.

The Comic Whisperer’s Ratings:

Concept and Characters:          Appraised at a 7.5 out of 10
Recommendation:                     Buy this issue, continue if it tickles your fancy.
                                                    I don’t see this issue going up much in value, 
                                                    collect at your discretion.


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Why Telos by DC is Such a Breath of Fresh Air

TELOS defined by the dictionary:  An ultimate object or aim.

There is no doubt that there has been a drought in the number of new characters by the big two.  I’ve written about it before and will continue to hammer it home, changing a character from a man to a woman is not, by definition, a new character.

I’m personally frustrated by this as even the most historic of characters can get old in their storylines. For instance, although I may be the world’s biggest Superman fan, not all of his storylines can be thrilling and different.  It’s just reality.

I accept this but then have to ask the question:  where has all the creativity gone?  In an imaginary universe that is only limited by our imagination I find it hard to believe that new characters cannot be developed.  Sure, I know the whole corporate approval process and blah, blah but let’s be real.   Do the corporate bigwigs even read comics and enjoy them or are the comics just another bean to count?

These questions lead me to why Telos is such a breath of fresh air.

I read the whole Convergence storyline and have every comic, its variation, arc and whatnot.  Frankly, it had a great premise and Brainiac was the perfect choice for the heel.  But the best thing to come of it was Telos.

In Telos #1 the typical Brainiac scenario plays itself out:

-I was going to hurt you

-It didn’t work the way I had planned

-Don’t hurt me

-Let’s make a deal but it will only work if you help me first

-Thanks for cooperating

-Now that it all worked out my way I’m going to shaft you

And, thus, a storyline is created.

This one, however, has a different twist.  It wasn’t Superman getting played or any other character we are familiar with...instead it was a NEW character born of Convergence.

There are several things that make Telos a character worth following:

First, Telos really had little choice but to go along with Brainiac because family was involved.  I am married for 27 years and have two grown kids and I can tell you; I would throw myself in front of a train if it meant they could live.  So, the reason for Telos doing this crappy errand is believable.

Second, Telos has a name that describes what he is...the ultimate objective or aim.  His power-set has not fully played out yet, but it appears that he is more than a little formidable.  Whether Telos is named this because Brainiac meant it to be that way or the creators did it as somewhat of an “Easter Egg” (or both) is not real clear.  No matter the reason, Telos is aptly named.

Third, the artists drawing Telos have done an incredible job.  He doesn’t look so similar to another character that you are reminded of them (not mentioning any names....Deadpool).  The blade on the arm, the details in the body and face, and the effects created when he uses his powers are all very well done.  Artistically, Telos is a character that draws attention.

Fourth, the writing is well thought out.  Surprisingly Telos doesn’t burst out and save millions on a dying planet.  Instead the writing is vague enough to the point where the audience isn’t really sure if he’s a good guy or bad guy.  Sure, he’s going to save his family and he’s been played by Brainiac, but that doesn’t define his nature (i.e. Luthor and Brainiac turning on each other in a previous storyline).  The comic left me wondering which side of the fence Telos will fall on.  The part that makes Telos special is that you like him so much you don’t really care.

Last, as I mentioned before, he’s new.  Bright, shiny, fresh out of the package, new.  Say what you want about him REALLY being new in the first pages of Convergence, but this is his coming out party!  I will forever be a Superman fan but nothing beats the smell of a new comic character.

My hat is off to Telos and I can’t wait to follow this storyline.  Way to go, DC!

The Comic Whisperer’s Ratings:

Overall Rating:         45 out of 52 parallel universes
Recommendation:    BUY.  Collect only if he tickles your fancy.

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Who Is This NEW and REFRESHING Dr. Strange? - A Review of Dr. Strange #1

If there is one character that draws my attention more than most of the others it’s Dr. Strange.

The reasons are numerous, but the primary one is...it’s a story of lessons learned, second chances and redemption.  You thought I was going to say that he is able to cast cool spells, didn’t you?  Well, that factors in as well, I can’t lie.

Dr. Strange, if you’ve read his history, is about a surgeon who is brilliant, but whose conceit and inflated self importance makes him virtually unbearable.  One of his first stories showed him telling a colleague that a case wasn’t worthy of his attention despite the condition of the patient.  As you know, Dr. Strange met with a car accident and it left him unable to use his hands for surgery or almost anything else.  Long story short, he went to a “secret mountain” where he met with an elder sorcerer who, very patiently, taught him the error of his ways.  He eventually was given the mantle, “Sorcerer Supreme” much to the dismay of another long time student who wanted that title.

But, I’m sure you know most, if not all of this, so let’s get to the latest volume of Dr. Strange.

The first thing that struck me is that Dr. Strange speaks directly the reader.  He talks to the reader as if they knew nothing about him.  He relates his story, he talks about the way he loves what he does and why he does it, and he is doing all of this while fighting a group called the “Free Rovers”.  It pulls you in immediately and forms a bond between you and the good doctor.  In a rare twist of Dr. Strange humor he touts himself as the reason the reader isn’t fighting demons right now and he goes on to say, “You’re welcome, by the way.”

The first few pages go on to establish Dr. Strange as a human with human frailties and human emotions.  It takes a gigantic step away from the Dr. Strange you see in the Illuminati, a person who can do no wrong, is steadfast in his opinions, and truly stands above the rest.  In this edition you even get the feeling that you and he are alike and that you could be a Sorcerer Supreme if you wanted to.  I confess, reading Dr. Strange all these years, I wondered how he remembered all the spells and hand gestures.  The new Dr. Strange shows it’s not always easy.

His “humanness” (if that is a word) goes on to become the humane.  When he is not saving us from the Dread Dormammu he is in the neighborhood healing kids and helping people with maladies that would baffle the common doctor.  When one parent offers to give Dr. Strange anything he would ask for saving his child, Dr. Strange replies, “Your neighbor is despondent.  I can feel the heat waves of his aura reverberating through the walls.  He has a birthday coming up, and he dreads the thought of spending it alone.  Bake him a cake and buy him a goldfish and consider your debt paid.”

Wow!  Who is this new and human Dr. Strange?  Interestingly enough the comic continues to get better.

He reveals to the reader how he sees the burdens of each person as he passes them by.  He refers to parasites that the soul attracts calling them 'inter-dimensional bacteria'.  The humor continues as he tries to get rid of one by “Shooing” it away from someone and it winds up eating him.  If you look carefully you can see the man who no longer has the parasite feeling refreshed while Dr. Strange is being eaten by the parasite.

Another thing that becomes evident in the comic is that all of the other sorcerers are being “humanized”.

To relieve stress Dr. Strange goes to a ‘sorcerers only’ coffee shop.  There he meets with Doctor Voodoo (the former Sorcerer Supreme), Shaman and The Scarlet Witch.

What do they discuss?  The stresses of the day,  just like you and I would.

Dr. Strange:   They were spooked.  Running from something.  “The Coming Slaughter” she called it.

Scarlet Witch:  Great.  Another one of those.

It’s such a human, and familiar, conversation I couldn’t help but laugh at how they talked about demons like we talk about paperwork.

There is a twist that seems to set this story up for some incredible storylines.  THIS IS A SPOILER IF YOU DIDN’T READ IT YET.

They talk about how there is a “bill coming due”.  The bill refers to how the universe needs to be in balance.

Monaco, the Prince of Magic:  There’s always a price to what we do.  A cost.  You do it too long without paying it, life will find a way of paying it for you.  You damn well oughta know that, Stephen.  In my day, every time I used a spell to clobber a buncha nazi warlocks and save some poor blonde’s life, I’d go home that night...and drown one of my rabbits.

Doctor Voodoo:  Not the rabbits again.

Monaco, the Prince of Magic:  Better to drown a thousand rabbits than to see some baby in Timbuktu drop dead ‘cause of what I’d done.  A life for a life.  That’s how you keep the cosmic balance.

The variety of storylines that can come from this realization is staggering.  It is also a dictum that I was taught from the time I was a child.  I remember mom saying, “If you do bad things, bad things will happen to you.  If you do good things, good things will happen to you.”  Good ‘ole mom.

The bottom line is that Dr. Strange is going in a new direction.  This is a new and wonderfully human Dr. Strange.  It’s not the Dr. Strange you saw in Secret Wars.  It’s not the Dr. Strange who was faithfully a member of the Illuminati.  Heck, it’s not even the Dr. Strange from the last volume!  He’s now you and me.  He makes mistakes, he has the need to meet with other to decompress, he uses his powers for the common good, and he’s far from perfect.  There is something remarkably refreshing about the ‘new’ Dr. Strange.  Keep it up Jason Aaron, Christopher Bachalo, and Timothy Townsend, this is a winner and I cannot wait for the next issue!

The Comic Whisperer’s Ratings:

Overall Rating:             6 out of 6 Infinity Stones
Recommendation:        BUY and COLLECT

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Marvel...Have You Lost Your Creativity or Is Diversity Ruining Marvel?

Sorry I haven’t written in awhile but I should be back on course now.  I’d like to address all of the MASSIVE changes in the Marvel Universe and why they are just a BAD idea.

If you are a reader of Secret Wars, or actually even if you aren’t, you had to have noticed the massive number of changes that are taking place with the characters.  Let’s give an ever so brief, but not all inclusive, listing:

Thor:  Formerly the incredibly massive male is now the not so surprising Jane Foster...female.

Wolverine:  Formerly the smarmy massive male soon to be revealed in a new series as....female.

Captain America:  Formerly the boy scout Steve Rogers is now a combination of Captain America, Falcon and a Tri-Athlete and....female.  Or is Captain America being played by The Falcon?  Will someone make up their mind please?

Hawkeye:  The cocky, but not surprisingly single, Green Arrow knockoff is going to have a sidekick....female.

Captain Marvel:  The former green and white Kree warrior, then the blond warrior with a star on his chest continues to be the blond haired bombshell in a skimpy leotard and....female.

Ms. Marvel:  Are there two of them now?  The former sex starved blond now the teenage brunette who reminds you it’s "Ms. Marvel", not "Miss Marvel",  has seemingly changed faces and age, or maybe not.

Moon Boy and Devil Dinosaur:  Is now in a new upcoming comic as Moon GIRL and Devil Dinosaur.  So now we’re making sex changes retroactive to the beginning of time?

Before I go any further let me make myself clear....I AM NOT AGAINST FEMALE SUPER-HEROES OR, FOR THAT MATTER, FEMALES AT ALL!  I’ve been happily married to one for almost 30 years and she’s the love of my life.  She’s actually MY hero.

But, c’mon Marvel, really?  Have you truly run out of creative energy so much so that now you have to split the Marvel Universe down the middle and make half male and half female?  Why?  Why would you not create new heroes so that you aren’t just conceding that you need more females in your comics?  As a woman I’d be insulted.

I can picture the phone call that led up to this massive overhaul:

“Hello, Marvel Comics customer service, how may I make your day super?

Yes, hello ma’am, I’d be happy to discuss our character universe.

Um, yes ma’am, you’re right we have an unusually large male population and few females.  

Um...yes ma’am, we should have more females.  

Yes, ma’am, I know your angry.  

How about we do this, ma'am; we will convert 30% of the Marvel Universe to female to up the count?  

No, ma’am, you won’t be getting any unique characters of your own.  

No...we’re just going to convert males to females.

I realize that’s a cheap and unoriginal way to up the female count but it’s the best we can do.

Yes, ma’am, I agree, originality and creativity appears to have died here at Marvel.

Is there anything else I can do for you other than offering you a consolation prize?

Yes ma’am, I realize I haven’t really done anything for you.

OK, look for those changes soon.  Thanks for calling Marvel.”

Seriously, Marvel, you let Spider-Man develop in character and added a Spider-Woman with her own background.  That was great!

You introduced Spider-Gwen despite having a Spider-Man and Spider-Woman.  That was...well...great!

You then introduced Silk despite having Spider-Man, Spider-Woman, and Spider-Gwen.  Um...OK.

During all of that you introduced the Superior Spider-Man, Miles Morales as Spider-Man, the Scarlet Spider, clones aplenty, Spider Island and the Spider-verse.  That’s alot of spiders.

See?  It’s not just about women getting recycled superheroes in the Marvel Universe, it’s also about beating your main bread maker, Spider-Man, to death with dozens of reproductions.  It’s very Batman-esque.

Granted, you have had success with a number of those titles and are still having some success (despite some of them also now being in the bargain box).  But where do you go from here?  What future have you left for yourselves?  Instead of making gradual changes you are making sweeping, nonsensical changes, during your reboot.  Is Marvel now being run by DC executives?

My suggestion is to start to create some unique female super-heroes.  Heroes that haven’t been done before.  The same goes for African-American heroes, Hispanic heroes, etc.  Are they so low on your list that you can’t at least come up with an original thought for them?  Making The Falcon Captain America, Miles Morales Spider-Man,  Thor a female and bringing back Black Panther does not count as diversity, people.

Where is the creativity?

How about someone who is a master of any type of gun, bomb, etc.?   If they can touch it they can work it or defuse it.  But they can’t do anything if they can’t touch it.

How about a person who can find a way into or out of anything.  They can also find the weak spot in any type of structure or item.  Consider them a combination of Houdini and Karnak.

How about someone who can change the atomic weight or density of anything they touch?  Not themselves, just anything they touch.

What about someone who has an Aquaman type of ability on land in that they can summon and command earth’s creatures.  They can summon Ravens from 10 miles away, or ants that are under their feet.

We haven’t seen Crusher Creel in awhile, what about a superhero version of Crusher Creel with some small adaptations.  Perhaps their weakness is that their strength fluctuates based on their size.  Large is strong, small is weak?

My point is that if you want to balance out the diversity of the Marvel Universe why not do it the right way?  A female Wolverine, a female Thor, Moon Girl, hundreds of cloned spiders...none of it makes sense.  Wolverine will ALWAYS be associated with Logan, Thor will ALWAYS be associated with the massive male with golden hair, Devil Dinosaur will ALWAYS be associated with a Moon BOY.  You won’t change that association, it’s not the way psychology works...stop trying

Get creative Marvel, don’t insult people by “giving” them a character.


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A Note of Thanks To The Artists at the Hartford ComicCon

I have always found it remarkable how people don’t understand how truly talented they are.  Everyone reading this has a talent which is admired by someone.  The problem is we are never told how much we are admired and when we are we tend to shrug it off.

Why is it that we would love to be complimented then when we are we say, “Oh, it’s really nothing.” or “Anybody can do what I do”.  It’s an odd trait that we all have.  That trait was never more obvious than at the Hartford ComicCon this past weekend.

It’s no secret to anyone that knows me that I have my own group of favorite artists, writers, etc.  We all do.  But it’s rare to find many of them in one spot on one day and you can meet them all.  This is what happened to me.

With the risk of leaving anyone out my personal favorites are:

Paul Ryan:  Iron Man, Squadron Supreme, Thor and the Thing to name a few
Mark McKenna:  Listed on more than 500 comics and inking over 8,000 pages
Mark Texeira:  Jonah Hex, Ghost Rider, the original Guardians of the Galaxy to name a few
Steve Orlando: Midnighter and Eisner Award Nominated Outlaw Territory to name a few
Kurt Busiek:  Astro City, AutumnLand, Trinity and Avengers to name a few
Chad Hardin:  Harley Quinn, Traveler, The Warlord to name a few
Ray Fawkes:  Batman Eternal, Constantine, Gotham by Midnight to name a few

They are all incredibly talented and I got to meet all of them except Kurt Busiek and Steve Orlando.

The thing that I noticed about all of them, though, was their incredible modesty.  The art that they have created is amazing and all of them were almost surprised at how much of a fan I was.  None of them asked me to pay for the autograph, although two did ask for a small donation to a special cause they were supporting which I gladly donated to.  On top of that several of them did something special for me as a fan.

Mark McKenna was extremely kind and more than willing to sit and talk.  Although he was drawing a custom picture for someone he told me how he much preferred speaking to the fans over drawing custom pics.  Since I did want a custom pic he offered to draw something special and personal if he could draw it at home and I pay a nominal fee (which is well worth it).

Paul Ryan took the time to talk about the cause to which he was taking donations.  He spoke with my son and I like he knew us forever and gladly signed autographs.  Not once did he ever make us feel rushed or that we were just another fan.

Mark Texeira was someone who enjoyed his work and it showed.  He was even surprised at how much we loved his work.  The thing about Mark was that he gave more than you asked for.  He not only signed my comic but he also drew a picture on the comic.  He didn’t stop there, though, he asked for the plastic that we kept our comics in and drew a picture on them!  I now need a plastic sleeve for my plastic sleeves.  He also asked for a modest donation to a cause and I gave him more than he asked for.

Chad Hardin was the first person I got to interact with and he was also incredibly friendly.  Although I did have a Harley Quinn comic for him to sign he was also selling a special Harley Quinn comic of which there were only 1,000 made.  For a nominal fee I bought the comic and he drew a picture of a zombie Joker on the front cover.  For those of you who follow me you know that I asked Neal Adams, at a previous ComicCon, to draw me the world’s only zombie Joker.  It was nothing short of awesome.  But Chad Hardin’s zombie Joker easily matched it.  The Joker he drew looks like it is actually part of the cover.

Ray Fawkes had a funny reaction to us coming to his table.  I was looking all over for him and simply could not find him.  It turns out I must have walked by him and his table 10 times and not seen him.  The reason?  Ray had no backdrop of his work, no fancy signs introducing him like the others had and was very modest.  When I told him we were looking all over for him he said, “For me?” as if he has never done anything worth talking about.  Ray was kind enough to take a picture with me and talk a little about his work.  He told me he was working on a really cool project that was being launched soon but said he couldn’t give any details.  Ray took my award for best dressed artist.

The bottom line is this;  ComicCons all over the world bring together some of the top comic artists together under one roof.  One would think that there would be a lot of big egos all fighting for the right to be the best, but there was no sign of that.  What I found instead were a group of absolute professionals, with a modesty like I’ve never seen.  All acted humble when I complimented them, most were surprised that I like them and their work (who doesn’t?), and all of them went the extra mile to make me feel like I was the only fan they had.  It could not have been a better day.

A note to Steve Orlando and Kurt Busiek, I hope to meet you face to face soon.

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What Would Happen If All The Villains Struck At Once Due To a Technical Glitch?

When the Fear Itself series came out there was a parody comic that came out as well called “Shame Itself”.  If you haven’t read it, do so, it’s worth the time.  As a spin on “Shame Itself” I offer my story.

Before I begin, however, let’s look at what typically happens in your typical comic book.

The heroes from any given universe finish up with one disaster, mend the city, have time for a meeting, and are then informed of another disaster taking place.

Luckily, villains seem to be on a schedule and don’t strike at the same time.  It seems that while Dr. Doom is attacking, the Red Skull is busy hatching a plan that won’t be ready to go until Dr. Doom has been defeated.  Of course, at that point Galactus is on the other side of the galaxy and will make his way toward Earth only to arrive after the Red Skull has been defeated.  The same thing happens in the DC Universe as well as others.

But what if the villains, due to a technical glitch, all struck on the same day?  More importantly, let’s say that the villains from DC don’t wait until the villains from Marvel are done attacking?  Everyone’s protecting the same Earth, right?  So, shouldn’t villains and heroes cross over during attacks?

Let’s start with a typical day where we find Electro fighting Spider-Man for some random reason:

Electro:  Spider-Man, your time has come!  I have finally found a way to defeat you!

Spider-Man:  Electro, what could you possibly want this time?  Haven’t I beaten you enough?

Electro:  I must own all of the frozen toothpaste in the world!  You can’t stop me!

Spider-Man:  Wait...frozen what?  Why would you..... (he stops and looks up surprised)

Electro:  What are you looking at?

Spider-Man:  Is that Doomsday?  I thought he was DC.  What’s he doing here?

Electro:  I’m not really sure.  There’s got to be a copyright or trademark infringement here somewhere.  Someone call Stan Lee!

Doomsday:  Electro?  Spider-Man?  I thought this was....(he looks around in surprise)...Metropolis.

Spider-Man:  Nope.  Wrong town.  Wrong comic, even.  (looking up again, amazed, he sees the Hulk coming out of the sky)

Hulk:  Hulk smash!!

Spider-Man:  Now wait just one minute....

Electro:  Hmmm....do I fight Spider-Man or do I try to get rid of the other villains?  Are you guys looking to corner the frozen toothpaste market?  That’s all I really wanted.

Doomsday:  The frozen what?  No, you can have that.  I’m here to destroy Metropolis.

Spider-Man:  Again, I think you’re in the wrong place.

Hulk:  Hulk smash!!

Spider-Man:  Is this a Groot type of thing?  “Hulk smash” means something different each time?  Never mind.

Green Lantern:  I heard there were problems in this Sector!  Wow.  What’s everyone doing here?

Electro:  I was just leaving.

Spider-Man:  Well, that’s one gone.

Doomsday:  I really just want to get on with destroying the city.

Hulk:  Hulk smash!

Batman:  (winded from running) I came as soon as I heard!

Green Lantern:  I’m anxious to hear what you heard about this.

Spider-Man:  Shouldn’t all of you be in another comic?

Batman:  I heard that the Outlook calendar on the Villain network was having issues.

Red Skull:  (stepping out of the shadows) There are no issues!  I specifically had conquering the Earth set for 2:00 pm today!

Galactus:  (appearing in the sky)  That can’t be right, I had devouring the Earth set for 2:00 pm today.

Flash:  (showing up in a blur) I came as soon as I heard!

Spider-Man:  What...is this being Tweeted?  What is everyone hearing?

Flash:  I got the text that Outlook is having issues.

Spider-Man:  Why aren’t I getting these (shaking his iPod and looking at it quizzically)

Flash:  Do you have it on airplane mode?

Spider-Man:  Darnit!  Why do I always do that?  OK, I’m on the same page now.

Reed Richards:  (walking up calmly) I don’t mean to interrupt, but I’m working on the fix right now.  It should be OK shortly.

Doomsday:  Listen, times a’wastin here.  I have another planet I’m supposed to destroy in 2 hours.

Red Skull:  Let’s do this the right way and take a vote.  Which villain would you heroes like to fight right now?

Green Lantern:  I’m not fussy, but I think Galactus would be the toughest to beat.  I vote Red Skull.

Hulk:  Hulk smash!

Flash:  I agree with Green Lantern, I vote for the Red Skull.

Batman:  Doomsday, is there any way you could go destroy the planet now and then come back after we beat the Red Skull?

Doomsday:  But I was already at this end of the universe.

Galactus:  Reed, where are the rest of the Fantastic Four?

Reed Richards:  They are at their regular jobs.  How do you think we pay for all of this stuff?

Galactus:  I just don’t feel right devouring the Earth without all of you here.  No offense to you Justice Leaguers.

Batman/Flash/Green Lantern:  None taken.

Reed Richards:  They should all be available tomorrow for the whole day.

Galactus:  Do you heroes think you can take out the Red Skull by midnight tonight?  Then we can all go home and get a good night’s sleep and fight tomorrow.

Thanos:  (just showing up and looking around at everyone sitting and talking)  What gives here?

Starro:  (also just arriving on the scene and giving a heavy sigh)  Don’t tell me, the Outlook issue?

(everyone nods their heads)

Starro:  I knew I should have sent a herald ahead.

Doomsday:  Listen, I just called the planet I’m supposed to destroy and they’re not doing anything right now, so I’ll just do that and come back.

Green Lantern:  Is anyone protecting them right now?

Doomsday:  No, so it shouldn’t take long.  I can come back the day after tomorrow.

Red Skull:  So, then I’ll attack now, Galactus will come back tomorrow and Doomsday will be the day after?

Thanos:  Great.  Push me off until next week.

Starro:  You?  I travelled 200 light years to get here.  Do you know how much gas that takes?  I’m calling the Outlook help desk right now and giving them a piece of my mind.

Thanos:  Then that should definitely take until next week.

Hulk:  Hulk smash!

Spider-Man:  I don’t do weekends anymore so Thanos and Starro will have to wait until Monday.  By the way, did Electro leave?

(incoming text:  Budapest Frozen Toothpaste Factory raided.  Everything taken.)

Spider-Man:  Never mind.

Reed Richards:  OK, everything seems to be working with the calendar now.  Is everyone set with their schedule?

Galactus:  I’m set.  Does the Marriott have any rooms available for tonight?  I’ll just stay over.

Doomsday:  OK everyone, I’m on my way.  I have a planet to enslave.

Red Skull:  I hear that....

Spider-Man:  I’m glad this is settled.  My spider-sense has given me a migraine.

Batman:  Alfred, book Galactus and I a room at the downtown Marriott.  King size bed for Galactus.

Red Skull:  Is it OK if we start now?  I have thousands of troops waiting to attack and we haven’t even had lunch yet.

Spider-Man:  That’s fine.  Green Lantern, Flash, can you stay with Batman and I and try to wrap this up by midnight?

Green Lantern:  I’m good, I can hang around.

Flash:  I have to run home and set my DVR to record Walking Dead.  OK, I’m back.

Spider-Man:  Hulk, can you go smash another town and we’ll just come clean it up later?  If you do it far enough away from here we have plausible deniability.

Hulk:  Hulk smash!  (he jumps over the horizon)

Starro:  I’m on vacation next week so I’ll attack the week after if that’s OK.

Thanos:  Cool!  Where are you going?

Starro:  It’s a stay-cation.  I have a bunch of chores to do for the wife.

Thanos:  I know the feeling.  Between conquering civilizations and scheming I have no time to cut the lawn.

Batman:  I can recommend a lawn guy.  Starro, we’ll see you in two weeks and Thanos in three.  Can you both send us a meeting planner?

Starro/Thanos:  Sure thing.

Red Skull:  Are we good to go?  Great!   ALL MINIONS ATTACK!

Outside the realm of reality?  Not in our high tech world.  I often wonder if team-ups weren’t just the result of two villains, or heroes, showing up at the same time and just figuring “what the heck” and working together.  All I know is that I’m glad that the artists and writers have the attack schedules firmly in their heads or else we might see something like this in the not so distant future.

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The Sides Taken in the Upcoming Civil War Movie, Do They Make Sense?

Let me start by saying that I have every comic, story arc, spinoff, you name it, of the original Civil War series.  It was well thought out and very collectible.  Looking at the sides in the upcoming movie, though, I have to ask...why have these sides been set up so poorly?  Or are they the perfect mix?  Let’s take a look:

Team Captain America:

Captain America
Falcon
The Winter Soldier
Hawkeye
Ant-Man
Agent 13 (Sharon Carter)

Team Iron Man:

Iron Man
Black Widow
War Machine
Vision
Black Panther

Let’s start with Team Captain America and their philosophy.

As we know, Cap isn’t a big fan of the government’s idea about revealing the faces behind the masks.  This, however, seems at odds with the beliefs that he espouses.  Cap is a “just follow orders” guy.  It doesn’t matter what the orders are...they are orders.  He walks and talks the American Dream, Apple Pie and Mom.  One could argue that he is becoming disillusioned by all that is happening around him, but I still don’t think this would call for a radical behavior change.

As for the rest of the cast of characters it’s not a huge secret as to who these people are under the masks.  Hawkeye doesn’t use one.  Ant-Man never worried too much about people knowing who he was under the mask.  The Winter Soldier doesn’t wear a mask anymore.  Sharon Carter is...well...Sharon Carter.  The Falcon never let on that he was even remotely concerned about this type of issue and, frankly, he doesn’t appear to be a big government fan either, and we already discussed Cap.

Now let’s shift to Team Iron Man and their philosophy.

First, if you didn’t do a double take at Tony Stark agreeing with the government and acting as a strong-arm for them, you haven’t been paying attention.  In every movie to date Tony Stark has thrown the finger at the government and went out of his way to make them look like idiots.  It’s really no wonder why he doesn’t mind being outed....he already did it to himself and everybody knows he is Iron Man.  But supporting the government?  Come on, Tony, really?

As for the rest of the cast of characters I find this team to be even more bizarre than Cap’s team.  Let’s start with Black Widow, she and Steve Rogers have been tight through every movie and have had each other’s backs at every turn.  Further, Black Widow doesn’t even wear a mask and everyone knows her full name.  She hates what her government did to her, she’s no fan of the bureaucrats that she has come in contact with in the movies, she has no real fondness for Tony, yet she wants people to unmask and sides against Steve.  I can’t wait to find out how this came to be.  Second is War Machine, well, since Tony made him who he is, and everyone already knows that he is under the mask, his choosing this side is no more of a surprise than the Winter Soldier siding with Cap.  The Vision?  Really?  The Vision who is not human, doesn’t wear a mask, or maybe he does, has an opinion?  What could he possibly have to gain either way?  Can the Vision even really unmask?  It makes NO sense.  Lastly is the Black Panther.  If ever there was a person who tried to remain on the fence and not take sides it’s the Black Panther.  The thought of him even taking a stance in United States affairs like this is surprising.  Why would Wakanda even care?

So, we have Steve who is a classic government man going against the government.  We have Tony who is always against the establishment now the defender of the bureaucracy.  We have unmasked characters on both teams (and how did Hawkeye and Black Widow who could easily be confused as brother and sister get on opposite teams?).  We have the classic “fence sitter” taking a firm stand in a country that isn’t his own.  We have an android who has an opinion on something he can never relate to.  Really, what we have are sides that are hard to make sense of.

There is no doubt that Civil War is shaping up to be an incredible movie, and I will be right there with everyone buying a ticket, but they should have done the lead up to this movie much differently.  They aren’t following the comic book Civil War already, why try to with Cap and Iron Man?  Picture it differently:

Cap comes out saying that everyone should unmask.  Most on his team are unmasked and no harm has come to them or their families.  There aren’t too many people who don’t know that Steve Rogers is Captain America and he hasn’t had too many issues.  After all, it comes with the turf doesn’t it?  If we turn against the government now it would be anarchy!  Brother killing brother!  The rules must be followed and this is a rule set down by the government.

Iron Man states that this is clearly the wrong solution.  Sure he came out and revealed his identity, but he has a multi billion dollar security system around him constantly, he has nothing to fear.  But the government telling him, or anyone else, what to do?  What a load of crap that is.  He won’t stand for it and neither should anyone else.  No one tells Tony Stark what to do!

Drop Sharon Carter out of the mix, she’s not a hero anyway so her opinion is as worthless as the Vision’s.  Drop the Vision as well.  Both are non-entities.  Also, drop out Black Panther as he would NEVER take sides on any issue let alone this one.

The Winter Soldier and Falcon stay with Cap out of loyalty whether they agree with the overall philosophy or not.  War Machine sticks with Tony out of loyalty whether he agrees with the overall philosophy or not.

Hawkeye and Black Widow then take Cap’s side because he is now saying everyone should unmask.  After all, neither of them wear a mask, they are also very tight, so they would both be of the same opinion on the topic.

Ant-Man can stay with Cap as even though he isn’t really trying to hide who he is in his movie, he will want to keep it a secret based on what happened to him and his family in the movie.  Remember the huge Thomas the Tank Engine scene?

Now the teams are looking a little different aren’t they?

To round out Tony’s team shirking the government would be Bruce Banner, Wolverine and the currently absent Spider-Man.

Here’s how they look now:

Captain America’s Team:

Cap
Hawkeye
Winter Soldier
Falcon
Black Widow

Iron Man’s Team:

Iron Man
War Machine
Bruce Banner/Hulk
Wolverine
Spider-Man

Now things have gotten interesting.

You may or may not agree, but I would like to hear your opinion on this.  Who would you put on each team and are Cap and Tony fighting for the right causes?

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