One question I never get is what superpowers I wouldn’t want. It seems like a dumb question but I sat down and thought about it and came up with a list.
So, here is The Comic Whisperer’s List of the Worst Superpowers To Have
1.) Able to turn into a vegetable of your choice The way I look at it is you would use this superpower only once, so you might want to save it. Once you turn into broccoli you would no longer be able to think or move so you would be finished. Can’t you just picture it? You’re at a party, perhaps a little tipsy from alcohol, and you yell out, “Watch what I can do!”. You turn yourself into a piece of broccoli and drop to the floor. No one knows how to react. What kind of trick is that? While onlookers wonder what to do a person walks by, brushes the hair and rug fiber off of you, and places you onto the tray with the other vegetables and ranch dip. You’re done. No applause, no turning back to a human, and soon to be eaten. Not a great superpower.
2.) Able to absorb someone else’s weaknesses This is like the Russian Roulette of superpowers. You stand near someone who has the fear of spiders and “Poof!” you have the fear of spiders. You walk by someone with a torn ligament in their knee and “Poof!” you have a torn ligament in your knee. Wow, just walking into an old age home can bring you irritable bladder, arthritis, congestive heart failure, constipation, incontinence, and erectile dysfunction. When you go to the hospital to get treated for all of your newfound illnesses you gain even more issues. Ouch.
3.) Ability to self-destruct Those of you that remember the old Bugs Bunny cartoons may remember the one where he and Daffy Duck are trying to outdo one another at the circus. One does one trick, the other does a better trick, etc. etc. Finally Daffy blows himself up and wins the contest. As Daffy’s angel rises higher and higher Bugs asked Daffy to do an encore and Daffy said, “I can only do this trick once.” This would be much the same. Pick your audience carefully and make sure you’re happy with what you’ve done in life then go for it. I actually have known people that have self destructed, but they did it over a long period of time. I don’t think that counts.
4.) Born with the ability to never age Hmmmm, immortality with a catch. This would be a super problem not only for you but for your parents. Perpetual infancy. Your parents have you while they are in their 30’s and you are still a newborn when they are in their 70’s. Imagine the diaper bill after 40 years of diapers! Also the 40 years of not being able to sleep in.
5.) Involuntary X-Ray vision on anyone 80 years of age and older I don’t think I have to spell this one out for you. Each time you look at someone 80 years of age and older you see through their clothing? I realize that I will be 80 years old one day and I truly hope that I will still look fit and young, but I won’t. I feel safe in saying that people won’t want X-ray vision with me either. This is just a lousy power to have. Get used to walking with your eyes shut.
6.) Complete control over snails I guess this isn’t all bad. True, nothing could be done very fast and you’d have to learn how to plan ahead, but it may have some uses. You may want to create a slime trail somewhere or you may want to convince a colleague why salt is bad for your health or you may be hungry for escargot. I don’t know. Just be glad you have a superpower, there are plenty of kids who would be happy to have one.
7.) The Ability to turn yourself inside-out Outside of being invaluable to med school students or being able to check yourself for tumors without expensive medical testing, I’ve got nothing. I think I’d choose control over snails instead of this one and that’s saying something. Good luck with that.
8.) Ability to grown an extra nose Honestly, this could come in handy. Just think about the times you’d want to....or how about the days you’d like to....oh never mind, this one wouldn’t be so hot either. Unless I was trying to track down a sweaty shirt or check what my spouse had for lunch this wouldn’t be handy. I can sure think of the times I would like to not smell. Maybe I could trade this for a retractable nose. No? I’m stuck with this? Crap.
9.) Canis Lupus Euthanasia During Sternutation Not a pretty superpower. Every time you sneeze a puppy dies. It does offer something of an answer to overpopulation but there are better options. This superpower makes you immensely unpopular. Especially to the neighbor’s 10 year old who just had a birthday.
10.) The ability to control someone else’s urine stream I could go either way on this one. It’s not super useful, but it would make for some good fun. You’re at a dressy affair and you make the person next to you at the urinals piss on his pants. That would be funny. It may even be useful if you see a very small fire that needs to be put out and you don’t have to pee but the person next to you does. He would be the hero, but you would know who gets the real credit.
11.) The ability to summon mayonnaise If you were making a BLT or tuna salad this would be awesome, other than that this wouldn’t be a ton of help in your day-to-day routine. I can’t help but ask where the mayonnaise would come from or if you could only summon it from a jar. It would be extremely helpful with all those time you have a mayonnaise fight...never mind. Like you never had one.
12.) The ability to transfer your need to poop to someone else I read this on another website asking what the worst superpowers would be. I could see where it might come in handy in an emergency. How would the President react if he had to crap himself during a State of the Union Address? Can I have this one instead of the one where you grow another nose? No? Crap.
Well, there you have it. A list of the worst superpowers to have. This list is by no means all inclusive. I am sure that there are dozens out there like the ability to produce pyrotechnics but only under water. But I digress. In the comments section please tell me your own worst superpower. I’d be interested to see what you come up with.
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