Questions That I REALLY Would Love To Have Answered

Let’s start by getting something out of the way; reading comic books forces you to turn your “Logic-Meter” off.  The fact that I have any questions goes against the whole point of comic books.  If I buy into the whole idea that a man can fly, can lift buildings, and is bullet-proof, I have no right to question anything else, right?  Wrong.

As geeks we have the right to choose whatever piece of fantasy we want and question it.  Call it a fringe benefit of geekdom.

“Out of this entire collection of logic defying pages and unrealistic fantasies I choose to pick just one fallacy, act as if it’s a fact, and question it.”

It’s my right as a nerd.

Come with me as I exercise my constitutionally guaranteed right to take an illogical situation and question it like it has a scientific basis in reality.

1.)  How do characters like Mr. Fantastic generate the money to finance things like the Baxter Building?

If I’ve missed the issues where Mr. Fantastic goes to work for the local Ice Cream Shoppe to earn a paycheck that allows him to finance expeditions to the negative zone, please tell me.

2.)  Do people like Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne have “selective IQ”?

If you need a detailed plan to defeat every member of the Justice League or the plans for creating and building “Anti-Transformer” armor, Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark can do it.  We’ve even seen the creation of Shark Repellant and a supremely intelligent AI systems like Jarvis from that same duo.  Yet, Tony can’t find a way to keep a lone piece of shrapnel from killing him and Bruce can’t figure out a way to keep the Joker locked up for more than 15 minutes at a time.  Odd.

3.)  In one storyline we see The Thing with two kids, both with the same rocky exterior as their old man.

How did he and his wife...I mean how big of an epidural did she...the kids appeared to be twins, how were they...I think you know where I’m going with this.  The whole act of consummation, and the 9 months following, were probably as difficult as me asking about it.

4.)  What really happened at the end of “The Killing Joke”?

Oh, right, like you know the answer.  (C’mon, just tell me, plllllleeeeeeaaaaaaaassssssseeeeeee!!!!)

5.)  Are there really any other superheroes necessary than Hulk and Zatanna?

Since everything she says backwards becomes a reality and it appears that nothing whatsoever can hurt Hulk, why doesn’t he just guard her as she casts spells?  Once she says, “syug dab eht fo dir teG” then, “kluH eht evlossiD”  There could just be a Zatanna series about how she is the ruler of a peaceful planet, then after 3 weeks it could be discontinued due to boredom, and that would be that.

6.)  What insurance companies would still be willing to insure Gotham, Metropolis, Star City, the Baxter Building, etc. after all this time?

What Civil War really should have been about was the insurance companies arguing about who would insure all of these places and what the deductibles would be.  Couldn’t you see them arguing about what wasn’t covered?  And, how overworked would the insurance adjusters be?

7.)    With few exceptions, such as Captain Marvel dying of cancer, why don’t we see more everyday issues plaguing the heroes and villains?

Why don’t we see Flash wearing a knee brace or having tendonitis?  How does Batman not have arthritis in his back by now?  Does a Green Lantern every need a ring resized?  Does Killer Croc ever get pruney skin because he’s in the water too long?  Why doesn't Namor ever get ‘swimmer’s ear’?  Shouldn’t Iron Man rust at some point?  Why doesn’t Spider-Man or Black Panther have problems breathing through their facemask?  

So, I get an overdose of gamma radiation, bitten by a radioactive spider, see my parents gunned down in front of me, or shot from an exploding planet and I don’t suffer the indignities of the human condition anymore?  Sign me up!

8.)  How many mutants are there and, for that matter, how many X-Men are there?

In the Marvel Universe it seems that, as a mutant, if you aren’t an X-Man or working for Magneto, you don’t exist.  I think if you eliminate everyone who is not an Avenger, a former Avenger, an X-Person, or in some way connected to X-People, there may only be 2 or 3 people left on earth.  I truly think that’s why Marvel was eventually forced to do AvX.  There was no-one else.

9.)  Is there really any logical explanation as to why Alan Scott (the old, old, old Green Lantern) had a ring that had no effect on wood?

I’ve read the explanation a couple of times and I am still baffled.  Is there a wood expert in the house?

Listen, I wasn’t hired for my good looks or my brains.  Frankly, I wasn’t hired at all, that’s why I run the place.

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